Someone got a hair cut...

Not sure why I look like I have a black eye in the bottom left one, but I don't...

One Gym Visit + A Lot of Hurricane Parting =

A One Pound Gain.

It's simple math really, and I have no one to blame but myself.  I was lazy last week and did not care enough about my goal.  

Well, this ass is not going to magically slide into my size 16 GAP jeans - is it now?  NO!  So, I picked myself back up this morning and promptly dropped myself off onto the treadmill.  And how do I feel - GREAT, of course!  Ugh, I need to remember how amazing I feel on the mornings that I work out.  Oh, and I figured out how to use the machine I was afraid of last week!  I am so happy that I did, it's pretty awesome!

My fill is doing good and I made an appointment for next week to get a little tweak as I am still a little hungry in between meals.  For instance, this morning I made one scrambled egg and one piece of turkey bacon and ate it while getting ready for work.  So, I would say I finished eating around 7:45.  Well, now it's 9:40 and my stomach is GROWLING so loud!  Like starving growling and I am so hungry.  I am going to eat a Zone bar, but I really want to wait it out a little bit or else I'll be eating lunch too early and then that really leads me down a path of unfocused eating.

Well, that's about it kiddos, I will leave you with a few pictures from the last few days....

This was the calm before the storm, the pictures really don't equate what it actually looked like.  It was pretty amazing...

After the storm the weather has just been fabulous the last couple of days.  The nights are even better...

Week 1 Goal Reached, Yay!

I made it to the gym three times last week - it's so difficult to get back into the swing of things.  There is nothing more I would rather do than stay in my comfy bed and snuggle with my kitties and husband - lame, I know!

Anyway, I am at the same weight as last week, no movement.  Which is better than moving up, right?  I am starting a strength training program this week and adding that to my cardio.  Previously I was doing cardio and then some arm and ab work.  However, I really want to focus on the whole body.  Today was the first day of the program and it went really well.  Oh, except for the one machine that really just freaked the shit out of me.  There was of course an incredibly cute, fit guy standing by it and I wasn't quite sure how to work it.  So, what did I do - I walked away and skipped the exercise all together, such a wimp.  I WILL do it Wednesday, who cares if I look like an idiot.  Eventually I will figure it out and maybe look like I know what I'm doing.

These are the times I really miss having a personal trainer.  I get so frazzled because I have no idea how you are supposed to workout.  Like there is an order according to the muscle groups and stuff, it confuses me.  But I found this great app a few months ago that I have pretty much forgotten about lately.  It's called FitnessBuilder and it has a bunch of workouts already created.  Looking forward to using this app and really getting a great workout!

I am proud to say that I can do 50 push ups now.  Girly, modified push ups, but push ups all the same!  My right arm was paralyzed when I was born and I went through a lot of therapy and was lucky enough to gain some movement and strength.  However, it is still much weaker than the left arm and my mobility is not so great.  So, upper arm exercises have always been a challenge for me.  Sari, my trainer, was the only person who actually made me use my arm and really worked it.  Any other trainers I've had in the past would basically ignore it because they were afraid they would do more damage.  For a while she had me doing push ups on the exercise ball, which is much easier but at the time very difficult for me.  I really felt a difference in what I could do, she was really changing my body.  Then she moved away to Cali, so selfish!

She comes back to town every once in a while and I make sure I have a few sessions with her.  So, about a month ago she came back and we had three sessions.  The last thing she had me do in our final session was 5 sets of 10 modified push ups without the ball.  I did the first 10 and basically whined that I would not be able to do that 4 more times.  Guess what, I DID!  Oh, and then my body fell flat on the mat and I cried!

I am happy that I have continued to push myself to do these push ups on my own.  The one thing that I have learned is that it's fantastic to have a trainer, but really if you can do it with them - you can do it without them.  

'Cause We Rock!

Goals, Goals, Goals...

My appointment went really well yesterday.  Since Dr. Ren and Gaspar weren't available until the end of the month they wanted me to see Frank.  Well, Frank is the devil and leaves me bruised for days after an adjustment with him.  So, I texted our very own pretty lady Jen and she recommended Laura.  Laura was great, she had a little trouble getting to my port, but apparently I have some scar tissue that can be mistaken for the port entry point.  

I had an esophagram just to make sure everything is still okay.  There have been some pains in my port area over the last couple of months and of course I knew that the band was broke and more surgeries were in my future.  Yeah, everything was fine, I was open and needed a fill, but other than that everything was good.  

Since I am so sensitive to fills we did a whopping .1 cc and decided that we would just do smaller fills, but more often.  I think this is a good plan, plus it will really help keep me focused on my band, which has been a major problem for me lately.

I have posted new goals on the "Goals" page up top.  Motivation should not be a problem right now, I am going to California in five weeks and my best friend Kate is getting married in November.  The goals that I have listed are based on me going to the gym at least three times a week.  I have only dropped two sizes since my surgery and I would really love to be in a 16 for California.  It's only one size, but I'm not sure if that is too aggressive.  It's a motivator though, right?

I Need a Spanking!

Hello Lovelys!

I have been missing - again. But this time it has really been a LONG time - really ridiculous. I just wanted to send out a little post to say hi and let you know what is going on. I have been floating between 60 and 70 lbs down for the past year - incredibly annoying. I will be dreading celebrating my two year band anniversary in October and really don't have much to show for it. Now, I do know that I have NEVER been able to keep such an incredible amount of weight off for more than six months, so that is good, but it's really hard to focus on that sometimes. Why is it so much easier to be a Negative Nelly than it is just to be thankful for what you have, ugh?

Along with not blogging, I have not been to see Gaspar or Dr. Ren since March. I really think that between not blogging and not going to the doctor I am screwing myself up. Oh, and btw, not only have I not blogged since the day after my last appointment in March, I have not been reading. I know that I have missed so much in your lives and I am sorry about that. I truly miss you all and I realize now that I really need you all!

So, I am off to Dr. Ren's office this afternoon and will post again and let you know how everything went.

Um, Hi....

Yeah, I've been missing for quite sometime and guess what? I don't feel like a bandster. Not blogging, not losing, not really paying attention to my band... I honestly haven't had time, ugh!

When I last posted I informed you all of my crazy work schedule. Well, the schedule is still pretty much the same, but the opportunities that I am gaining are pretty awesome! I am trying to approach the stress in a different way, making it more positive than negative. My company was acquired recently, which is great news, but the crap involved before the deal even went through was enough to kill me. I was basically working 24 hours - my full day and then a chunk of Hong Kong's morning. But, the deal finally went through, yay!

Dear Due Diligence,

Go suck it.

Thank you,

Colls

As for the band... Basically, I have been bouncing around the same 10 pounds for the last three months. It's pretty frustrating because I always seem to need to get an unfill. But, I am feeling a little better about the whole situation right now. After talking to quite a few wonderful ladies at the NYC brunch on Sunday, I have come to realize I am not the only person with these issues. Just to recap:

1. I am really sensitive to adjustments.

2. I get really tight around my TOM.

These two issues play major head games with me and my band. I decided that since my TOM was over on Sunday that I would call into Dr. Ren's office on Monday to get right in for a fill. Saw Gaspar on Wednesday and after discussing the situation with him he agreed that I needed a fill. He also agreed that I take it easy on the days that I am tight, kinda suck it up for a day or two before running in to get an unfill.

Much needed fill accomplished. What does a much needed fill equate to for a "sensitive" bandster? Wait for it - .1! Gaspar felt that .1 would be a good start and that if by Monday I feel like I can handle more he will put a little more in. Love him!

I have to be honest, right now I feel like I could use like .5 more, but I will see how this weekend goes. The good??? news is that I was the same weight on their scale as I was back in the early Feb. Good, I guess because I'm not gaining. I am happy with my progress, I don't regret my band - I just hate all the set backs I have had. It seems that after my gall balder surgery I have just been a little lost.

Oh well, the past is the past, right? I can't change it, the only thing I can do is work towards my future sucess with the band. Speaking of which, I wanted to touch base a little on my last post. I had listed out somethings that I thought would help get me back on track, here is the list along with my progress (lack there of)...

Things to Get Colleen Refocused:

• Blogging Weekly (Minimum) Yeah, didn't do that.
• Adjustment Did two so far, yay!
• C25K Program Started, but did not finish, boo.
• 5K April 9th (Yay!) Backed out, boo.
• Trip to Cali Yes, this can motivate me so much! It would be so fun to go there and be in a real size 16 or 14 (if I dare say). I could go to any store really and buy some really awesome clothes!

I didn't want to ignore the fact that I posted these. I posted them for a reason, to help keep me accountable. However, when ya don't blog, ya don't see this list. Outasight, Outamind....

Oh, and I had one more thing I would like to address. A long time a go, I was very honored to receive the famous GAP jeans that originally belonged to Catherine. I wore those babies out, literally. I couldn't even give them to goodwill. Tragic! They were getting really big, but I wasn't really seeing that. So, I guess it was good that they began to deteriorate. I said a few words, pulled myself together and threw them in the trash. This forced me to get a new pair since the stupid Old Navy 16's that Kristen gave me recently don't fit me yet! Sorry, they are not stupid, just mean. But, once I can pull them over my thighs I will love them, I promise!

Anyway, I went to the mall on Saturday and as I was walking to find someplace that was not LB but that I could fit in I saw GAP. I walked in thinking, maybe, just maybe... Then I got a little freaked out - what were these sizes? The sales girl must have sensed my confusion and asked if she could help me. I told her that I recently lost some weight and that I was not sure I understood the sizes. She became very excited and starting picking out kinds of washes and cuts for me and threw me in the dressing room! I tried on a couple of pairs and they were just like the mean ON jeans I have taunting me at home. But, then - THEN I tried on the "Curvy" cut and they were not mean! They not only went up my thighs, they ZIPPED!!! Here is a picture - I will not be wearing these out, don't worry! I think maybe in a month or so they should fit much better. I mean, just because they zip does not mean you should wear them in public!

Oh, and the NYC brunch was amazing, as always! But, this one was super amazing, so many people! I finally got to meet my lovely Kristen and Nicole! I did not focus enough on taking pictures, but I was luck enough to get one of me and Joey, so here you go...

So, this is where I am, not terrible, but not great. I will say that blogging is a huge part of keeping things together for me.

Does this job make me look fat...

Yes.

Okay, so it's not really the job - it's the weight that I have gained.  I saw 200.00 this morning on the scale - that is NOT good.  Especially because I have been going to the gym three times a week for three weeks now.  I don't understand.

Really?!  Seriously, Colleen?!  Of course I understand - I have to be honest here.  I am eating whatever I want - whenever I want.  This is where the job part comes in.  I am slipping back into bad habits because I am so stressed out here.  I am eating mindlessly all day long.  Another contributing factor to the gain is my current fill level.  It has been at least two months since my last adjustment - I think it is time to go in.

My weight goal is 170, which is only 30 lbs away.  I would like to reach this goal by September of this year.  Dan and I are going to California mid-September.  How cool would it be if I were at goal for this trip?

So, this brings me to a little list that has been running in my head (while scarfing down bad food items)...

Things to Get Colleen Refocused:

• Blogging Weekly (Minimum)
• Adjustment
• C25K Program
• 5K April 9th (Yay!)
• Trip to Cali

I will have my (.) this week, getting fills during this time is just a big no no for me.  My band is way too sensitive and it automatically tightens up this week, so I will have to make an appointment for next week.  Which of course is Dan's birthday and I am taking him out to dinner next Thursday.  I checked the menu and it looks like there are plenty of soft, mushy foods if I am a little tight.

Lastly, I would like to apologize for my absence over the past month or so.  I really do hope that everyone had a great holiday and that 2011 will rock!

I am going to be catching up on blogs this week, I have really missed you all!

**Update**  Boo, just called Dr. Ren's office and they are closed for the holiday.  Am I the only one who does not have off today!?!

Motivation - Via Mail

Kristen is amazing!  I received a little package from her today with two pairs of pants.  This is actually a great motivator for me as they are both size 16 and I am still in an 18.  Maybe this will be the push that I need to get back on track!

I gained this week and I am not too happy about it.  I really have no idea if this has anything to do with the 7 lbs that I lost the week I was too tight.  I expected to gain some back since I lost because I wasn't eating or drinking anything for two days, but I thought that would work it's self out the next week.  Well now it's carrying over into the following week.  That is not good, dude!

I have been going back to the gym, but I know that twice a week just isn't enough.  My goal has been three times a week, but I fall short by a day every week.  I need to commit to three times - this is ridiculous.  I used to go four times when I had my trainer.  So much easier with a trainer, not gonna lie!  However, that really is not an excuse, I need to get there by myself.  The sad thing is that I have a great gym in my building - I don't have to go outside in the cold to get there - so WTF is my problem, so disgraceful!  

Eating has been a little strange.  I went from being too tight and had my period when I got .2 taken out in order to allow me to eat again.  However; once my period went bye bye so did a little of the restriction.  When he took the .2 out I felt comfortable, but was not able to eat bread or bagels.  Right now I am able to eat half a bagel.  So, the true question is am I okay with this.  I mean, it's about hunger here, not what I can or can't eat.  I want to focus on food choices, portion sizes and how long before I am hungry in between meals.  Hungry - true hunger.

So, this is my plan for the next couple of weeks.  I really want to see the 180's before the end of this year.  That is so do-able, no doubt in my mind - only 4 lbs away right now.  I can do this!

Also, I changed my weekly goals to just gym related items.  Putting an actual weight loss number on there for each week seems to be too much pressure.  Although, I have added the goal regarding reaching the 180's by 12.31.10, and I think it is reasonable.  

Here we go...

Update Monday...

Thank you all for you comments on my first Vlog last week, I was so nervous!

So as I said in my Vlog I was very tight after my fill on Wednesday and was trying to figure out what to do.  Thursday morning I woke up and felt much better and was able to get liquids down so I decided to stay at my current level of 6.4 cc's.

Things were pretty good until Saturday, I got stuck on everything.  Sunday was terrible, I couldn't get liquids down at all.  I was dry heaving and sliming all day, so gross.  My husband is a Dallas fan and the game wasn't going to be on TV so we were going to go out to watch the game.  I told him to still go and have a good time - I was very happy that it worked out that way.  I was on the couch all day with a trashcan at my feet - not very attractive!  Mostly I just wanted to be left alone so it was nice that he had something to do.  By the end of the day I was so thirsty that I was chewing ice and then spitting the liquid out - just to have something cool and refreshing in my mouth.

This morning I was able to drink some water, but went straight to the Dr.'s office to get an unfill.  The more I get stuck and slime the more damage it could do to my band.  Plus I lost 6 lbs according do the scale at their office - since Wednesday!  That is not good and I am so hungry!  Gaspar and I agreed to take out .2 of the .4 that he put in last week.  We both knew that I was very sensitive to fills, but agreed to be a little aggressive last week.  We  now know that just doesn't work for me.  

Hopefully this one will work.  Thanksgiving is right around the corner and I will be away for a few days so getting another adjustment would be out of the question until next week.  

I weighed myself at home yesterday morning for the challenge and lost 2 lbs, but when i weighed myself this morning  I lost a total of 6 lbs.  This is usually how it works for me, I weigh more Sunday morning for the challenges then I do on Monday, my regular weigh in day - bummer!  But, I guess it wouldn't be fare to post a 6 lb loss when it was just because I haven't been eating!  I keep looking at my total loss after I updated my little badge on the sidebar - 69 lbs down!  But, I am trying to be very realistic about next week's numbers - I am sure to go up!  The odds just aren't good - I will gain some of the weight back from being too tight this week, Thanksgiving is here and I will be getting my (.) on Wednesday!

I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving here in the states!  Gobble, gobble my little turkeys!

My First Vlog!!

Here we gooooo.....

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Um, What is Wrong With Me?!

So, last week I set some goals and put them in two places on my blog.  First place is the top right hand side and the second is an actual page called "Goals".  I figured this would keep me in check.

As you can see I accomplished one of my goals - I went to the gym three times this week.  I really kick my ass - I felt amazing after each session.  However, I did not reach the weight loss goal which was to lose 2 lbs.  In fact, I GAINED 1.5 lbs. - WTF?  This is so disappointing, but I can't do anything to change it, right?  I set the same goals for this week and will see how that goes.

This weekend was a little challenging food and drink wise.  Dan's best friend's father passed away and we went to Bethlehem, PA this past Sunday and Monday for the viewing and funeral.  It was more of a celebration of his life - he was 93 and has so many beautiful grandchildren - a blessed life.  There was a lot of eating out and drinking with old friends, which was nice, but I am sure contributed to this week's gain.

My biggest problem right now is that I am not sure if I need a fill or not.  I am getting hungry quicker, but I am also getting stuck a lot.  There is no consistency with my restriction - Friday night Dan and I made pizza and I ate four slices!!  FOUR - I must be fucking crazy!  Granted, this was homemade pizza so the slices were pretty small compared to a regular pizza, but still.  But, then the next day I couldn't eat my lunch - a grilled chicken wrap.  I didn't even attempt the wrap, since I know my band is finicky.  I emptied the contents of the wrap out and began to eat the chicken slowly.  It took me over an hour and three trips to the bathroom.

I am really not sure what to do here, do I get a fill or do I really concentrate on proteins and see how that goes? I am just so scared that I am going to see the 200's again and that is just not an option...

A couple of photos I wanted to share with the group :)

A few weeks ago I went to the Poconos with my friends for a couple of days.  The weather was perfect and we had so much fun.  We really didn't do much, we drank lots of wine and made fabulous meals together.  After all I have been going through with work, it was just what I needed!

It was a little chilly the night we go up there, but it was so nice to sit outside with our wine after being stuck in the car for the drive there!

Our view from the back deck, I love fall!

Drinks and dinner at 21 Club a couple of weeks ago...

The drink in my hand is called a "Fig and Honey Old Fashioned"  - YUMMY!  The bartender was so excited because I was the first person to order it.  I told her it was fantastic and she said it was based on the pie she makes for Thanksgiving every year!

Us in our room at Hotel Bethlehem this weekend...

Um, another one with a drink in my hand....

That's about it for now, my little kittens!

I Miss You All!

Hi Everyone!

Well, it has been a few weeks since my last blog and that does not make me happy.  My work life is taking over!  So much so that I didn't even post on my one year anniversary, which was October 20th.  But, I am human and this is life.  I am refraining from posting a big salute to my one year, it is over and done.  I have lost over 60 lbs in a year and I am okay with that.

What I am not okay with is how I have somehow become withdrawn from the blogging world.  I am not sure what is going on with my mind lately, but it has to stop.  Blogging helps me and it always makes me feel better.  As the title states - I miss you all - I really do!  I miss your comments, they always make me smile, but most of all I miss having the time to read all of your blogs!  I miss knowing what's going on with you all.  Well, with the exception of the few people I am friends with on FB of course!

Is this all because work is crazy or is it something larger?  Maybe I feel like a failure.  I said maybe!  Look, I have never lost this much weight before and even in this little funk I have managed to maintain and not gain.  That is awesome!  However, I still feel like I should have been down much more by now.

Also, I still don't have a goal yet.  You know, the ultimate goal that you set in the beginning.  My surgeon's office (not my current band doctor) never spoke to me about the ultimate goal.  I have not had a conversation with my current doctor, Dr. Ren, or even Gaspar, the RN.  Maybe I need to make this conversation happen.  Maybe I need something specific to push for...

I feel absolutely fabulous right now, I mean 65 lbs isn't anything to laugh at.  But, what is keeping me from being confident in this band and continuing on?  I need to have a goal - I think that is my answer.  I would love to know what you lovely people think...

Is it Friday Yet?

Yeah, this is how I am feeling.  I hope I don't look as terrible when people come into my office!  I am ready to kill someone, really it's crazy here...

I seriously can't wait until Friday!  I am going to the Poconos with my friends - just the girls!  The only thing that sucks is that I have to leave VERY early Friday morning.  I really hope I am not in the office too late Thursday!

I did not post last Monday and this one is going to be very short and defiantly not informative!  On top of working crazy hours, I am trying to keep up with all of you fabulous people, but it's difficult.  When I glanced at my reader count it said I have over 400 unread - it's only been a week I think!  I can't keep up!

So, last week and this week's weight is the same - holding steady at 196, boo!  I will weigh myself on Wednesday morning again since that is officially a year for me.  Any chance of me losing 6 lbs by then?!

I hope you are doing great!